bLInk

I curled up in my swivel chair in my office the other day and pressed my head hard against the cold wall. At times I moved my head back and banged it against the wall. I think I might have been losing it. It felt good. i think I need to do that now. I think we can think and question too much. I think it can turn some of us into full time thought artists and we lose touch and understanding of real life.


For years I watched movies and TV and it caused release. Those things are so much better than life. Life's boring. I used to model myself on characters from my favourite shows. I'm beginning to wish I my life was just a fairy tale, not real, not hurtful, not confusing. 


Maybe we can dream too much. I've been so fed up lately, so down, so depressed that I've been thinking of what it would be like to be in a better place, but it has become a hope, a dream. In the back of my head I've convinced myself things will get no better.


Sometimes we need to blink. When I go swimming I open my eyes under water. everything is blurry, but I see. When I come out of the water, I blink a lot and sometimes wipe my eyes and I see different. Some of us are living under water. we've let ourselves drown in thought and dreams and self pity. Our prayers become inward, our outlook insular. We've become insomniacs of sorts, our lives and outlook are so focused that we forget to breathe and blink and we miss the positives, we miss the bigger picture.


This week I did a crazy thing. I blinked. Things are still a little blurry, but slowly things are changing. I don't feel as close to the edge of the cliff as I was. I'm still struggling through a mudslide, drowning but fighting.


I think God can bring us to this point sometimes. God forces us to blink and see what He sees, even if it's only a glimpse. We can be down and out and depressed and boxed in but when we blink we might just see a small flash or hint of light and that's what we aim for.